Democrat Fired After Tweets Surface Saying ‘It’s A Free Country’ [Satire]

Campaign worker Moe Finderbinder has been drummed out of the Democrat Party after old tweets surfaced in which he suggested Democrats should "mind our own business."

In a series of tweets that were dredged up by reporters at The New York Times, a former newspaper, Finderbinder said, "It always seems like we're telling people what they can eat, what they can say, even what they can think. Maybe we ought to just leave people alone and mind our own business."

DNC Chairman Tom Perez said he was shocked to hear such opinions coming from a Democrat. He demanded Finderbinder immediately clean out his desk, take off his clothes and walk naked down main street while mobs of peasants hurled raw fruit at him like in that scene in "Game of Thrones" where they pasted Queen Cersei’s head on some other woman’s exceptionally hot naked body. Perez said the party was currently searching for a hot woman to paste Finderbinder's head on in order to get the proper effect.

Finderbinder tried to salvage his career by issuing a video of himself weeping and whipping himself with a scourge of thorns while he apologized, but the apology fell on deaf ears after the Times unearthed more tweets expressing such sentiments as "Live and let live," "It's a free country," and "Reasonable people will disagree."

CNN scheduled a seven-hour town hall in which Democrats gathered to denounce Finderbinder. Kamala Harris, for instance, issued a statement by writing it in the sky in black smoke with her broomstick. The statement said, "To allow people to form their own opinions is not who we are as Americans. When I look at my baby nieces and think they might grow up in a free country, I tear up in a particularly manipulative way that I hope will make you vote for me even though I'm clearly an evil witch."

The CNN town hall was rumored to be continuing though no one could confirm it without watching CNN, and that’s just not going to happen.