As dull as a sad old don boring pupils over sherry: HENRY DEEDES watches Joe Biden on the US campaign trail
He appeared like a ghostly apparition, his wispy, wraith-like frame creeping on stage as if from nowhere.
No waves, no fist-pumps, no rallying cry of 'Yee-haw!' – just a reedy, 'Hello, hello, hello,' before stopping to clear his throat.
For a man with designs on becoming the United States' 46th President, Joe Biden is not exactly long on dynamism.
Donald Trump caustically nicknames him 'Sleepy Joe', but for once the President is undershooting it.
I can wholeheartedly report that Mr Biden is what they call here a 'drag'. Or, as we Brits might say: an absolute crasher.
The mere sight of him would be enough to make any cocktail party guest dash for the cloakroom.
Watching him deliver his latest campaign speech last night was a turgid experience. The man labours over sentences the way a chef might fuss over a sauce allemande. The agonised pauses, the whispery delivery, the grunts and 'ahems'. What an effort it all seemed.
Plus that phoney 'Aww, shucks' demeanour. Believe me, it grates after a while.
Even the man's Twitter feed is a snooze. What was Biden's sole message of hope to his 11.5million followers yesterday morning? 'Vote.' Zzz.
For a man with designs on becoming the United States' 46th President, Joe Biden is not exactly long on dynamism
President Donald Trump walks across the tarmac after a campaign event at Capital Region International Airport in Lansing, Michigan, on Tuesday
Biden rally: The candidate held an unannounced rally in the Atlanta neighborhood of Lakewood, joking: 'I'm Kamala's running mate.'
Limited audience: Joe Biden stuck to his policy of not inviting large crowds to his events because of COVID and delivered Tuesday's speech to activists and journalists separated in circles to enforce social distancing
Trump speaks on stage beside the armoured Presidential limousine 'The Beast', during a Make America Great Again rally at the La Crosse Fairgrounds Speedway, in West Salem, Wisconsin, on Tuesday evening
Trump holds a rally at HoverTech International in Allentown, Pennsylvania, on Monday
Trump departs the stage at the end of a campaign event at the La Crosse Speedway in West Salem, Wisconsin, last night
Trump holds up a fist as crowds cheer on his arrival at an airport rally in Lansing, Michigan, on Tuesday night
Trump is flanked by bodyguards as he arrives at Capital Region International Airport in Lansing, Michigan, yesterday evening
As Donald Trump pounded the campaign trail yesterday in Michigan and Wisconsin, two of the 'Rust Belt' states which helped him get elected in 2016, Mr Biden had shuffled his way to Warm Springs, Georgia.
His arrival here in the Deep South was highly significant. Not only was it Biden's first trip to this state all campaign, it's the first time a Democrat candidate has even bothered to drop by since Bill Clinton did in 1996.
Georgia, you see, has long been reliably Republican.
But buoyed by solid polling numbers, Biden's team smells blood.
For Trump, losing this conservative stronghold would be a terrible humiliation.
Fittingly, like its star guest yesterday, this tiny spa town is a dozy place. In fact, with a population of about 400, it's practically narcoleptic.
Its only claim to fame is that President Franklin D Roosevelt would come to bathe in its warm waters during the Great Depression to ease the effects of the polio that struck him as a 39-year-old.
Family affair: Joe Biden brought his sister Valerie Biden Owens and his granddaughter Finnegan - whose father is Hunter - on his plane. He was also accompanied by Louisiana Democratic congressman Cedric Richmond who is seen as likely to become a significant figure if there is a Biden administration
Biden's granddaughter, Hunter's daughter, Finnegan Biden (right) joined the former vice president for his campaign stop in the southern state
Here for Joe: The Democratic candidate needs Atlanta voters to come out in force if he has a hope of flipping the state for the first time this century.
Trump waves before addressing thousands of supporters during a campaign rally in Michigan
Trump arriving on stage for his Make America Great Again rally at the La Crosse Fairgrounds Speedway, in West Salem, Wisconsin, last night
Trump addresses thousands of supporters during a campaign rally at Capital Region International Airport
Trump leaves after speaking at a Make America Great Again rally in Michigan
Supporters watch a video of U.S. President Donald Trump while waiting in a cold rain for his arrival at a campaign rally in Lansing
President Donald Trump gestures to supporters after speaking during a campaign rally at MotorSports Management Company in West Salem, Wisconsin on Tuesday
Mr Biden was late of course, subjecting us to endless groovy soul classics blaring over the speakers.
For a time I fretted that the 77-year-old might arrive on stage gyrating to a Motown hip-thruster. An uncomfortable thought.
He stood at a lectern emblazoned with the words 'Battle For the Soul of the Nation'.
A security guy must have swabbed it with Dettol at least half a dozen times before the main speaker appeared.
Behind him were five American flags on slightly flimsy-looking stands. Part of me was hoping a short, sharp gust might blow one over.
Biden started out mourning those who had perished in the pandemic.
They died in the cruellest way possible, he said. 'Alone ... alone!' The dramatic pause practically left enough time to poach an egg.
He reminded us how he knew what it was like to lose a loved one, having seen his son Beau die of brain cancer five years ago.
He described the 'deep black hole' he felt at the time, 'which swallows you up'.
'And the president keeps telling us not to worry. He keeps telling us 'we're turning the corner'. It's as removed from reality and as offensive,' the Democratic nominee lamented.
'Time and again throughout our history, we have seen the charlatans, the conmen, the phony populists — who have sought to play to our fears, appeal to our worst appetites, and pick at the oldest scabs we have for their own political gain,' Biden said, referring to Trump
The moon rises overhead as US President Donald Trump speaks during a Make America Great Again rally at the La Crosse Fairgrounds Speedway
U.S. President Donald Trump during a campaign rally at Capital Region International Airport in Lansing, Michigan
We moved on to some curmudgeonly moans about how the country ain't what it used to be.
'We've stopped seeing dignity in each other – we've lost all the respect.' Not like the good old days!
Panache and pizzazz were absent. Barring a few arm-thrusts for emphasis and the odd jaw-wobble, he remained almost static throughout.
The closest Biden came to animated was when he blasted Trump. The man clearly hates the President.
Speaks of him the way a country-club snob does about a vulgar new member. He accused his opponent of being a someone who was 'more concerned with TV ratings than the American people.'
As President, Trump had 'done nothing but create conflict and oblique criticism', said Biden.
His attitude toward the virus had been one of total 'capitulation'; he was 'removed from reality'.
The long-term senator for Delaware then droned his way through American history the way a sad old don regales his pupils over schooners of sherry.
Reception: Joe Biden's supporters drove in to his rally at the Cellaris Amphitheatre in the Lakewood neighborhood of Atlanta
Trump addresses supporters from a stage on the track of the La Crosse Fairgrounds Speedway during a Make America Great Again rally on Tuesday
Trump speaks during a campaign rally at Capital Region International Airport, Tuesday
Trump leaves after speaking during a Make America Great Again rally at Capital Region International Airport October 27, 2020, in Lansing, Michigan
For some reason, he dwelled heavily on the aforementioned Roosevelt's death.
'A free world mourned,' he cried. 'American leaders wept.' Cue the violins, maestro!
Contrast all this phoney schmaltz with Biden's former boss President Obama, who had been in Florida earlier, delivering another blistering performance on behalf of his former 'Veep'.
Dressed in an open-necked powder-blue shirt, pumping the crowd as though delivering a stirring half-time team talk, the ex-President radiated courtly charisma.
He had body movements, he had hand gestures. The choreography worked.
What the Democrats would give for another candidate blessed with their favourite poster boy's youthful vigour.
After half an hour, Biden was done. It was an awkward finale.
'Stay safe and wear a mask,' he said, before clumsily yanking a facial covering over his nose. Exit stage left, followed by a stagnant ripple of applause.
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