Whitney Cummings Roasts CNN, Kamala On CNN’s Own New Year’s Eve Celebration

 Comedian Whitney Cummings, invited to roast 2024 on CNN’s New Years’ Eve celebration on the network, torched the network as she joked about the size of its audience, and mocked the Democratic Party choosing Kamala Harris as its nominee, quipping, “Kamala was forced on us so hard, you’d think she was patented by Pfizer or Moderna.”

Cummings joined CNN co-hosts Anderson Cooper and Andy Cohen.

She got off to a fast start even before her roast, saying she thought the thunder heard during the broadcast “was Kathy Griffin screaming at you from the street. Are you sure? I thought, I think she’s cursing you.”

When Cooper asked her, “How long are you going to be on tour?” Cummings fired back, “Do you even know who I am, Anderson?” Prompting Cooper to reply, “Yes, I do know who you are,” and Cummings to comment, “Is he just like, I thought Joan Rivers was dead?”

“Do you like being on the road?” Cooper asked.

“It’s the best,” Cummings replied. “I love going around the country because you see that Americans really are more reasonable than they would be portrayed. They’re pretty great. And I’m playing bigger and bigger venues now. I thought being a mom would mean that less people would want to come see me. I’m now playing, you know, like 3,000-seat theatres, which is about the viewership of CNN these days.”

She started her roast of 2024 by mocking white liberal women, saying, “Feel free to heckle me. Feel free to come for me. I do believe we need to hold 2024 accountable for its behavior. That is what white women do now. We point out other things that are toxic because we don’t get ironies. And that is our truth.”

Then she segued to the Left’s empathy for criminals, declaring, “This was the year that people were behaving so poorly, we started being wistful about murderers. Remember, this was the year we were like, were the Menendez brothers so bad? Were we too hard on the Menendez brothers? This was the year we could not get enough of murderers. Gypsy Rose became our favorite celebrity because murdering your mom is so brat. They had her on a red carpet, a little on the nose for a murderer, but she was, like, posing in a fancy dress. We were like, slay. And she was like, I did. And, of course, our heartthrob of the year was the alleged cold-blooded killer named Luigi, who is now in the same prison as Diddy, which I’m very upset about because Luigi already has a lower back issue.”

“This was the year nothing made sense,” she continued. “Fertility was down. Sales of baby oil was up. White supremacy groups reached record highs. It got so bad, Ariana Grande became white again. 2024 totally broke our brains. Half the people I know think we’re in a simulation. I’m starting to wonder when I go to a website and it asks me if I’m a robot or not, half the time I get the quiz wrong. I’m like, does the shadow of a bike count as a bike? I don’t know. Why am I looking at a grainy photo of a crack house?”

“We just all broke mentally this year,” she repeated. “Things got so bleak, we started watching the WNBA. Was that — what happened? And we also started watching older women in movies, equality or insanity? You tell me. Demi Moore was in a movie called ‘The Substance,’ showing that Hollywood’s ready for a woman in her 50s to star in a movie as long as a hot 28-year-old wears a leotard for most of it. Pam Anderson’s getting Oscar buzz for a movie she did wearing no makeup.”

“2024 election fried our brains,” she recalled. “The Democrats couldn’t hold a primary cause they were too busy holding a body upright. … It was amazing that the pro-choice party didn’t give their voters one when it came to the presidential candidate. Kamala was forced on us so hard, you’d think she was patented by Pfizer or Moderna.”